it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
