you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
