I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
