I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
