It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Drunk is a universal language darling
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
