stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
