I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
