it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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