i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Vodka?
Forever.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
