Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
