i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
