im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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