The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
