for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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