She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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