I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
