do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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