Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize