Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
