I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
