your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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