how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
