Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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