belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
