You were right. It hurts to walk today.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
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If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
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Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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