yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Randomize
