Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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