Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
