a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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