New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just blew my weed a kiss
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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