why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
