i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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