Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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