i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
