Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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