I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
