If i come over, it means nothing
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
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I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
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BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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