he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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