Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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