you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Is it because I queefed?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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