i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
