At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
