and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
