My friends, they love my intelligence
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
