he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
be right there i have to get my cape
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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