So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
