Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My breasts were aching with rage.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
