Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Randomize
