My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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