Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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