I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
