between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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