I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
