You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
