I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
