Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
