You really coming over, don't trick.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
