ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
